Since we came back from our week trip to my sister’s for Thanksgiving, I have being in trigger central. My mom thought it would be nice to bring my nephew home with us since he didn’t get to see my dad at the holidays and to give my sister and her husband some alone time. While this is great for my sister, it has been hell on me.
Every since we have been home my mom has had one person after another demanding of her time, this would be nothing new except she has my 4 year-old nephew also demanding time from her. Instead of saying no to people, my grandson is visiting, she is trying to do everything for them and still have time for a high spirited 4 year- old boy that is in everything and always going. This has resulted in non-stop yelling on her part. Yelling is her way of dealing with stress – she yells at me, she yells at my nephew, she yells at my dad, sometimes she yells at the walls. I keep flashing to my childhood which isn’t helping the fact that this is already a trigger laden time for me. Part of me is on protection mode trying to keep him from having to deal with her in this mode, after all I know what this behavior from her did to me, and the other half of me is mad, angry and pissed off that once again I have to be the one taking care of and protecting someone, mostly by putting myself in between my mom and my 4 year-old nephew. When I try to talk to my dad about this behavior, he just does his normal shoulder shrug, like there is nothing wrong. When I try to bring it up to my mom, I get yelled at that she is not yelling. All I keep thinking is that it is time for my nephew to go home.
To top all this off, the triggers are making my fibromyalgia worse which means the pain medicines are not working, I can hardly eat and I haven’t been sleeping again which equals me feeling like death and not wanting to handle any of this. I just started a new medication (Klonopin) for my panic attacks which I’m real hopeful about, but with everything else I am afraid to leave the house for fear that my mom’s yelling will escalate to hitting, which is the next step in her stressed out mode.
So right now I am feeling – sick, tired, overwhelmed, responsible for the safety of someone else, on guard, angry, mad, pissed off, fed up, sad, depressed, triggered and like I am the only person that can see the crazy in my house. Today Edith rules my person.