The (Inner) Child Killer

So the photo thing has brought up a lot. I’ve only done the album that covers when I was between 3 to 5 years old. The first feeling that I am experiencing is sadness. I look at this little girl that is suppose to me and I feel no attachment. It could be any little girl. When we discussed this in therapy today something totally unexpected came up. I said that I felt like I killed that child. I’m not sure if I feel that because I let her be abused or because I couldn’t take the happy, smiling child that she was, when I was in so much pain. I realize that I was a child and that I had no say in what was happening to me but a part of me feels that I should have stopped it. I should have spoke up, reported him, screamed, fought, done whatever it took to stop him. I feel that by doing none of these things – by allowing him to use his mind-games on me – I killed that little girl as surely as he did. The other half of me says that I killed her because if I had to be in pain and misery no one had the right to be happy so she had to go. How twisted is this?? I feel like my mind is spinning in circles. I am having all these new thoughts and feelings and I’m not sure where they are coming from or even if I can deal with them, but here they are all the same.

The next feeling the pictures are invoking is anger. There are pictures of me at three, maybe four years old swimming in the buff. Not only am I swimming in the buff but I’m doing it in my grandparents’ swimming pool. I don’t know about the rest of the world but my only reaction to this is “what the #@$%!! I mean a naked child in front of a child predator is like a bowl of candy in front of a room full of children, you are just asking for something to happen. What the Hell where my parents’ thinking??

It is getting harder and harder to excuse their behavior and parenting. Yes, they came from messed up families but give me a break. You have children and it is your jobs to protect them not deliver them up.

Now I have to spend the weekend thinking about whether I want to get in touch with my inner child or learn to confront/deal with my anger at my parents. Boy, what a choice! I’d like for there to be a third choice – one where I crawl in bed, pull the blankets over my head and drown out the world. This so sucks!!!!

I was trying to do this picture project as a way of getting my mind off the fact that I am in incredible pain (thanks Fibromyalgia), instead I still have that pain plus I have all this emotional pain, too. So much for the picture project.

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2 thoughts on “The (Inner) Child Killer

  1. […] So I have started a quest for that most precious thing in an abused child’s life … the elusive happy moments. I received the gift of Photoshop after my sister’s wedding and I have decided that my first project will be to scan, repair and download all our photo albums to DVD. I’m hoping in this trip down memory lane I can get in touch with my child. Right now I feel like I have lost that inner child. But that is a subject for another post. (Upcoming) […]

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