Boy, did he know what he was talking about. Right now the pain is so close to the surface and so much that half the time I feel like I am walking through a dream, that none of this is really and that any moment now I am going to wake up and be better. I have been dealing with so much that my therapist has moved me to two appointments a week.
It’s really coming down to everything is triggering me, which is making me feel crazy. And now when I trigger I’m going in my room a losing time. Whole chunks of time, hours that I can’t remember. They pass and I have no idea what I was doing during them. The only time that I use to disassociate like that was when my grandfather abused me. But now it is happening almost every time I get trigger. I’m getting triggered a lot right too, because my mother is having a difficult time with her disassociation disorder which is causing her to go from nice mommy to mean, screaming, yelling mommy in a matter of seconds. Not only am I having to protect myself from that be I have to deal with my hyper- awareness/vigilance that I have going right now. I have to watch everything I do and say in the hopes that I won’t trigger her. I want to get away from her but that means leaving the house and every time I try do that I feels like the door is just out of reach and all the air is being sucked from the room. So I have panic attacks trying to leave the house, I have panic attacks when I am in the house, and I have panic attacks when I manage to make I outside. All of which lead back to that pain that goes with life.
The rest of the above saying says “What we can do is choose how to use the pain life presents us.”
Right now I don’t have much choice except more sessions with my therapist.