The last couple of weeks have been extremely hard for me. In fact I have been trying to write this post for weeks now but every time I start writing I start crying and I can’t finish. I feel like a part of me is dying and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I realize that this has to do with the fact that I have to let go of my sister. The problem is that she has been the driving force in my life.
Now I feel like a part of me is missing, and it is the better half me. She is the happy one, the out-going one, the skinny one, the good one, the one with all the friends and the ability to do anything. And I am the other one. It makes me think of that movie Twins with Danny DeVito and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Arnold got all the good traits and Danny got all the garbage that was left over. Sometimes I feel like that. Now I have to start making the effect to make friends and do things and be with people. This is not easy for me right now. But at the same time I am missing that contact with the outside world even if it was only through my sister.
The other thing that is making this hard is that for so many years I was made to feel that I was her mother and responsible for her now I am experiencing “empty nest syndrome”. The problem with this is that once again I can’t talk about these problems I am having because of my family. How do I say that I have these feelings when my mother doesn’t even realize that she wasn’t there for us as children, that she basically left me with a child to raise but she thinks she was a good mother? I realize that I am protecting her feeling at the cost of my own but I don’t know how to even start to say the things that need to be said.
Now I have to decide want I and only I want from my life, not what is expected of me or what I am quilted into feeling that I have to do?