So my sister bought me a thank you gift for all I did for her wedding that I both hate and love. This is the same love/hate feeling I had when I first opened it. At first I thought it was that I was tried and pissy after the wedding so that was why I didn’t like it but now I realize that it goes so much deeper than that.
To start of the gift is a beautiful silver engraved compact that says “May you always see how beautiful you are to me. Love, Dinah.” And with those words that love/hate feeling started.
I’m trying very hard to believe that I am pretty, right now beautiful just seems too far a reach to believe. I am trying to believe it when people tell me I’m things like beautiful, smart, intelligent, confident, worthy. Let’s face it; I have had a voice in my head telling me for years that I’m worthless. So it is hard to turn it off, and listen to the voices of others.
Next comes the fact that this is a MIRROR, a F@#$ING MIRROR. Really?!? I hate mirrors; I avoid them like the plague. Mirrors just confuse me. Who am I? Am I the scared child that I see in my eyes? Am I the overweight adult who feels like nothing about her is right – the clothes don’t fit right, the hair is never long enough or the gray is showing or the red has faded and needs to be touch up. Am I the girl who is trying to play dress-up with adult clothes and make-up so that no one will see the faults underneath? Yep, I hate mirrors, because when I really look in one it’s like a pit of confusion that sucks me in and will not let me go.
After all that, you may wonder why I don’t just hate this gift completely. It took me a while of thinking about and then putting it away and then taking it back out and I’ve come to this conclusion why I still love it, too.
My sister gave me something beautiful and something that I will use (I carry it in my purse). And it has a message that is from her heart and it means something to me even though it’s hard to believe the words. Maybe if I use it for the next 20 or 30 years, and read the words ever time, I’ll start to believe it.
In the mean time, I’m going to take it as something that I both love and hate.