The Tracks Of My Tears…

Where to start? EVERYTHING IS TRIGGERING MY ANGER!!! This is the most interaction I have had with people in months especially in such large numbers. Mostly I’ve been avoiding people to keep from blowing up at them.

Last night after spending yet another day of working all day on the wedding I was tired and didn’t really feel like being a good host and entertaining my guests. I figured with my parents and my sister being there I didn’t need to, since they were their guest too. So I went to my bedroom. We have a friend visiting that has schizophrenia that is mostly controlled by his medications, his only issues is that he has issues with behaving like an adult and knowing boundaries that you don’t cross and being swayed by other to do things that are not nice or good for him. Last night he allowed my sister to talk him into proposing marriage to me. I had to laugh it off at the time because I didn’t want to upset him, because I know that this wasn’t even his idea, I could hear my sister egging him on. In fact I’m not really mad at him, I’m mad at my sister because this isn’t that first time she has tried to push this subject. The first time it was with me and I made it quite clear that while he was my friend and he made me laugh I didn’t see him like that and that I wasn’t interested in a relationship period right now. After my telling her this 3 times in the last week, she decided to play the run around and go to him. So here I am tired, trying to not to have an anxiety attack, feeling very raw, and this comes at me. All I can use to descript the feelings that I was experiencing is the song “The Tracks of My Tears” in fact the lyrics keep going through my head.

“People say I’m the life of the party

Because I tell a joke or two

Although I might be laughing loud and hearty

Deep inside I’m blue

So take a good look at my face

You’ll see my smile looks out of place

If you look closer, it’s easy to trace

The tracks of my tears…”

As soon as he left, I tried to deal with my sister, letting her know how much she had hurt me and how angry I was. When I had already told her that I didn’t want this subject pursued. She manage to apologize and yet at the same time make it all my fault. I am so tired of people hurting my feelings but it being my fault.

The other thing that burns me about this whole thing is that she really thinks I should marry this guy and that now (her wedding) is the perfect time to do it. It’s like I don’t deserve any better. I don’t deserve a man that isn’t so screw up that he is basically a child. I don’t deserve to have my own wedding. I don’t deserve to be in love with the man I get involved with. It’s like all I do deserve is to be an afterthought. Well F@#K that. I deserve at least as much as what my sister is getting, if not more.

Next Trigger – The best man has decided that he doesn’t need to show up for the rehearsal or help with anything. Something we were all kind of depending on him doing, instead he is going to spend the day before the wedding in Key West. It is an eight hour drive back, hope he makes it to the wedding. Wish the groom would grow a set and man up and tell him that it is an honor to be asked to be the best man and that if he can’t show up for everything than he as the groom will be getting a new best man. Wish I could be sitting on the beach doing nothing the day before the wedding.

The Next Trigger – My dad’s cousins just arrived, they are taking the pictures for that wedding. They are basically poor white trash that live in a trailer (I have nothing against trailer living some are very nice). Since they have been here they have insulted our house (yes it’s small and a mess but it isn’t a trailer and we are having a wedding in a day and half) they have insulted everything that we have done for the wedding (nothing is right), they have insulted me and my dog. I want to tell them off but I can’t, I’ve been told that I have to be nice to them because they are talking the pictures for my sister’s wedding for free – except we paid to get them here, we are putting them up, and feeding them and their two hellion children for the next 4 days – that is not free to me, especially when I have to put up with their insults. Please god don’t let me lose my cool and hit one of them.

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