This next week starts the infestation of family and friends for the wedding. Yes, I said infestation – because to me it is like being infested with bugs. You don’t really want them, they come in a swarm, they always stay longer that you want and you can’t get rid of them till they stripe you of everything. We are at the countdown here. And all I keep thinking about is that I will be seeing a lot of people that I haven’t seen in years, and that I’m no longer the person that I use to be. I’m not even sure who I am anymore. I feel like the broken pieces of the old me, except I don’t know who that is either. I’m not sure what mask I should be wearing. I know that I’m going to need one so that no one can see that I’m stuck at 3 years old and I am confused and scared and clueless. The problem is, is that I have been pulling off the masks that I have been wearing and I’m not sure if I can find where they are anymore. I’m also not sure that after all the work I’ve done to remove them, I really want to wear them again.
I feel like a stage performer that is putting on her make-up/mask and getting ready to give the performance of her life. Only I’ve forgotten my lines and I’m not even sure what play I’m supposed to be acting in. Who am I? Who am I suppose to be?
The person controlling all things wedding? Or the happy, bubbly person that keeps everyone in the wedding mood. Or what??
Right now I want to shut down/shut off. I don’t want to see anyone or do anything. I start to hyperventilate just thinking of what is coming my way. And on top of all this I’m made to feel guilty because I won’t give up my room and stay somewhere else for the wedding. I know that we have tons of people coming and we need room for all of them but I need my own space. I can’t get through this without the thought that I can escape to my room when this all gets to be too much. Besides I can’t sleep anywhere but my own bed, with my dog. If I let them move me out, I won’t be in my house, in my bed and my dog will not be with me. Come on, people, quit making me feel guilty because I can’t do this. Besides I also have to think of my dog, he can’t handle little kids all over him all the time and he will need a place to escape to, too. I just need to remember what my therapist said “I am setting this boundary/need not only for myself but as a way to make sure that I can be able to function in the role (whatever that is) that you need me in. So this is me helping myself to help you.”
So let’s see I’m confused, scared, clueless, guilty, panicky and worried, and this is supposed to be a happy occasion??? I’m totally for eloping.