For so many years, I was denied control. Control over my body, control over what I did and when I did it, control over anything and everything. As I hit my teen years, I started to take back whatever control I could. Suddenly my hair went from dirty blond to red to black to a maroon color. My closet when from having every color in the rainbow in it to having 95 % of it be black. I went from being the cute girl next door type that wore little to no make-up to being every parent worst nightmare – a Goth chick with the dark hair, dark clothes and dark heavy make-up. I learned the ways to get what I wanted when I wanted it from my parents, because they were too busy fighting each other to realize that I was using them against each other to get what I wanted. In this way I gained back some of the control that had been taken from me.
Now I am facing another loss of control, the control of my body and how it reacts in different situations. Since my teen’s I have had control of everything that concerns me, now suddenly I can’t control anything. I can’t control the panic attacks, the fits of anger, the spells of cry, the paranoia, the insomnia, and the feelings that I am crazy and everyone knows it and pities me. I had to go to my psychologist again today to once again discuss medication for my anxiety and depression, and I feel like he is playing along with me – “you have panic attacks, here I’ll write you a prescription, feeling sad, depressed, can’t sleep take this pill.” The problem is, is that none of the pills work or the side-effects are worse that the problems I already have, so we are running out of pills to prescribe and now I feel like he thinks that this is all in my head and that I don’t want to get any better. All I want is to be able to go outside and not have my skin crawl. I want to be about to sit in a crowded room and not hyperventilate. I want to stand in line at the store and not feel like someone is stabbing me in the throat and cutting of my air. I want some control over my body and its reaction. I don’t want a doctor who looks at me like it’s all in my head and that I am crazy. I already know that now help me fix it. I am so used to being about to fix whatever needs fixing, but this I can’t fix.
I realize that this is the time for that higher power (God to those that believe) to be there to help you. But I am having a real issue with accessing him right now. Unfortunately what I believe is so twisted up in the ritualistic use of religion to abuse me that it is hard to separate the two. It is also hard not to blame God for the pain I have and am currently experiencing.
So how do I keep enough control to feel safe? While at the same time put my issues in God’s hands, so that someone else can shoulder my burdens for a while. And how can I do all this when I’m not even sure were God and I stand with each other? And really am I just fooling myself into believing that I can control anything?