You Really Don’t Want To Be Here

Why do strangers get what my family just can’t seem to wrap their heads around? I was standing in line today trying to return something that wasn’t even mine but was on my credit card so I had to return it, and after about two minutes the guy in front of me asks “You really don’t want to be here, do you?” With that simple question someone who didn’t even know me put into words exactly how I feel. To tell you the truth, I hadn’t even really noticed the guy (except to note that he made me one person farther back in line) till he started talking to me. I had been standing there trying to count my breaths and not hyper-ventilate, so really everything around me was a complete blur. Then with that one question it was like the blur cleared and there was a person that got what I was going through.

I don’t think this would have been a blog worthy subject if it wasn’t for the conversation I had early in the day that drove me out of the house and to the store for the return in the first place. Yes, once again it was wedding related. I know I getting as tired of talking about it as I’m sure everyone is of hearing about it. But I have less than a month to go. 🙂 Anyway we were discussing all the prep work that needed to be done before the reception, and I said something like sometimes I think it would be easy if I wasn’t part of the wedding party because then I could handle all of it, and we wouldn’t have to leave it in anyone else’s hands. It’s what I’m use to doing, running the party from behind the scenes and making sure it runs smoothly, being in control. It is what my family is use to have happen.

My sister turns to me in that moment and says “if you don’t want to be part of the wedding party, just let me know. My friend has a black dress and I can get her to take your place. But you are still going to have to be in all the pictures, it’s up to you.” What I had said was wishful thinking kind of like I wish there was two of me so that I could do everything, what she came back with was a was a knife in the heart. After all I have done, it’s ok for me to step aside now and let someone else take the honor that is mine. Part of me wanted to say shove it. I really don’t have to put myself through the anxiety and fear that being maid of honor means. But instead of allowing my mad and hurt to show I had to reassure my sister that being in the wedding was what I wanted. It wasn’t like she was being Bridezilla or anything, she just thought that this was ok to suggest. The real truth is I’d like nothing better than to not be part of the wedding party, in fact I’d like to go to sleep tonight and wake up tomorrow and find that the wedding was over, but I deserve better than that. I deserve the honor that being in it is and no matter the cost to me, I’m getting what I deserve out of this.

So why is it that my family can’t get what a complete stranger can? I keep coming back to this in therapy and I realize that my family has this mold that they are put me in; the only problem is that I no longer want to be in it and I am breaking out of it. I am changing, I am growing, and I am healing. All of these are scary things that my family do not know how to deal with, because I am no longer being the person I think I should be, the one they want me to be, but I am becoming the person I am. Guess what family; you are going to have to deal.



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