This last week I have been finding myself getting more and more angry as everyone around me is NOT LISTENING to me and hearing my needs. Today in therapy I realized I want to be angry. So I have collected my thought for a letter for my family. I have spent so many years denying myself and my feelings and now that I am trying to get in touch with them I get angry when I am continually not listen to or I am being told to deny my feelings. I HAVE HAD ENOUGH. I am tired of walking on egg shells so that I don’t upset my mother because she just feels guilty when my abuse comes up, guess what she should feel guilty. She knew what he was and she still allowed him access to her children. I am tired of the tip-toeing around my sister and her nerves with this up-coming wedding. She has done next to nothing but complain for this wedding. I am tired of allowing my father to stick his head in the sand and ignore everything just because he is working and paying the bills. I HAVE ISSUES AND IT IS TIME THAT THEY ARE HEAR AND DEALT WITH.
1. I am not sleeping at night. I can’t help this. The nighttime is the hardest time for me. When I do sleep I spend the time in dreams of being chased and wake up more tired than when I went to sleep. So if I am sleeping during the day, don’t wake me up and don’t think that allowing Samuel to wake me up is ok. Just because he is only 3 years old doesn’t make it cute or any less annoying.
2. Everything is triggering me. I am hyper-vigilant right now. It is like being set on attack mode 24/7 and having no down time. This means that public places – stores, church, etc. are pretty much out of the question for me. If I do brave them, it can only be for short times and when I say I have to go it means – I HAVE TO GO!!!
3. I can’t make decisions, so quit asking me to. I really don’t care. Right now breathing is taking up all my mental capacity.
4. I am no longer the person that you knew. I am changing, so of the changes you are not going to like but they are what I have to do for my own well-being. Stop expecting me to be the person that mediates, picks up the pieces, or who spend hours listening to you go on about your problems. I can’t do this for you anymore.
It is time that you as my family get that I have PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder). I can’t control it. And it means that at times my actions and feelings are going to seem weird or different. I’ve found this wonderful link on PSTD called – About my PTSD…To Whom It May Concern by Tom Cloyd, MS, MA Since you haven’t taken the time to read the book Shock Waves, I figure this is shorter maybe you can get through it.