Boundaries are a big issue with me because I was not allowed to have any when it came to my abusers. Even my family has issues with understand boundaries. So I’ve taken the time to write down what my boundaries are and why I need them.
Personal space is a must for me, although I seem to be having a hard time getting this across to my family. It almost seems like when I put down a boundary my family tries in every way they can to cross it. Due to the very physical violation of my body and boundaries as a child from the abuse, I have become super sensitive to the crossing of that invisible wall that I have put up to protect myself. I don’t want to be touch. I don’t want someone to come up behind me and surprise me. I don’t want to feel trapped or have my movements contain. I will act to protect myself from what I perceive as a very real threat to myself. Don’t be surprise it I scream, become enrage, or strike out at you.
I believe in some very simple rules when it comes to my personal space:
1. NEVER touch me without my permission, this includes hugs, kisses and pats on the arm or back.
2. NEVER come up behind me and try to surprise me.
3. NEVER trap me or try to impede my movements.
4. If you do accidentally do one of these things – NEVER criticize or belittle for my reaction. – I can’t help it.
Emotional boundaries are the space that I keep between me and everyone else. They are the boundaries that I set with regards to what and how much you get to know about who I am. I tend to keep most people at a very great distance from me emotional so that I don’t have to reveal my feelings or personal information. I think this one is the hardest for my mom because she feels the needs to know everything when it comes to my abuse. I, on the other hand, have a hard time even talking about my abuse with my therapist. The closest I’ve come to coming out from behind my emotional boundaries, is here in this blog. Even here I have a wall of protection, in that I don’t use my real name.
My boundaries don’t just apply to my physical or emotional selves, but also to the space around me; my time, attention, and living space. There is nothing I hate more than having people barge into my room. This is my sanctuary, my safe place; it should only be invaded with my permission. I would very much like to install a lock on my door to keep people out; the problem is that my mother hates locked doors. I have already had two locks broken off my door, due to this. I realize that is stems from her abuse issues. I am going to try taping a big sign that say “KNOCK AND WAIT FOR AN ANSWER BEFORE ENTERING” on my door and see how that goes. As it is now I always have to have my door shut. I’ve been asked why a lot and I’ve finally got an answer for that I am comfortable with myself. My anxiety makes me feel like I am always being watch, even when I’m not. It most likely comes from the fact that Satan was always on the watch for an opportunity to grab me and do whatever he wanted to me, so it was like I was always being watch back then and it has carried over to now. Even when eyes are not literally upon me, I still feel like they are and it makes my skin crawl. Be aware that now I can say that my time and attention are my own. I no longer feel complied or require to give of either of them if I don’t feel like it.
I have come to accept these boundaries as something I need to have to feel safe, others around me will have to accept them or move on. I know that as I progress I am sure that some of these boundaries will become less a necessity and I will be able to let some of them go. But for now they are what are keeping me together.