While the bridal shower is finally over with and I can cross that off my list of worries, now all I have to do is make it through the wedding, which I know is going to be even harder for me. I am maid of honor that means people will be looking at me and I won’t be able to fade into the background. Plus the guest list goes up daily; we are looking at between 250 and 300 people. Oh, be still my pounding heart. I’m going to be on super over-stimulated mode. But as I said I made it through the shower, hopefully I can make it through the wedding too.
I have to say that the shower went better than I expected it to; I only had one really bad moment. My sister was opening gifts and I was sitting behind her, collecting the cards and keeping a list of the gifts and my mom decides to get behind me. Now I’m already almost in the corner and there are gifts all around me, and the shower was really hot because the air was out, and my mom feels the need to push into my small corner and start moving things around and then she takes up a sentinel position right behind my chair. There’s nothing like having someone standing over you, it makes you feels so small and helpless. So I started to freak out. I hate having people stand behind me. Fortunately everyone else was focus on my sister and didn’t hear me tell my mom to “get the hell away from my chair and don’t stand behind me.” She started to get huffy with me and I had to tell her it was that or I was going to have to leave. That shut her up and she moved. I think that since that was the only time I really got to sit down and relax all evening; it was the only time I really got to pay attention to my surroundings. The rest of the night I was making punch, dealing with the food or running the games. I was running around so much I kind of felt like a chicken with my head cut off. But everyone had a good time and my sister was happy, so that’s all that matters. Who cares that it emotionally drained me to the point that I couldn’t move that next day I was in so much physical pain.
I don’t know about everyone else but my emotions like to manifest themselves by physically hurting me. God, isn’t it enough to have been abuse, did you have to give me blinding pain as a reminder of it?
So I made it through the shower, of course I drank some (this in no way means that I condone drinking as a way of ignoring your abuse issues), it’s just that it was the only thing that got me through the night. I’m hoping that my doctors can find me a medication to help with my anxiety before that wedding; I really don’t like to use alcohol to get through. On the other hand, I want to make it through without melting down either.
I’m rereading this and I want to smack myself and say “enough with the pity party already.” I hope that the rest of you don’t feel this way to. I guess this week I need to work on allowing myself to feel pity for myself. Sound like I need some affirmations.