My Insecurities

One of my fellow bloggers was talking about insecurities and the effects on us. I wanted to write this post about my insecurities. Here are the facts I have an IQ at Genius level but I also have dyslexia which make spelling even the simplest words hard. I was put in classes with the smartest kids in school but I was also in classes with children that where learning challenged. Let’s face it they were the idiots of the school, which made me one of them in the eyes of my class mates. So I became a loner. I know I am smart, I have a photographic memory and I can do things that most people can’t even begin to understand let alone do. But ask me to spell words without spell check and I am completely lost. I feel like such an idiot.

To add to this I spent years being told that all women were good for was being a dumb secretary till you caught a husband and could be a house wife and start birthing babies. That beyond these things we had no business going, that it was a man’s job to make the big, hard decisions and that we, women didn’t need to bother our pretty little heads about them. Thus in my mind WOMAN = DUMB IDIOT.

On top of this there is the sibling thing. I don’t care how much parents deny this: they do compare their children against each other. So here I am: Smart but dumb, sick with epilepsy, which means countless doctors visits, moody, emotional, a loner, with a rebellious streak. Then there is my sister Dinah who’s: sunshine and roses, she’s pretty and buys into the family’s dysfunction, she doesn’t cause waves; she is the model child, who does what she’s told to do.

This equals me thinking I can’t do anything right, that I will never be happy because I can’t conform to the family and thus everyone else, that I am stupid and worthless, that I will never be loved and that I deserve nothing better. It’s taken a lot of therapy and some good people telling me that I am loved and worthy and smart to break the thought patterns and even now they still come around from time to time. These insecurities especially like to take root when I am depressed, stress or experiencing high levels of anxiety, which right now is all the time.

They making my life and by extension everyone around me life a living hell. I am constantly second guess EVERYTHING I do.

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5 thoughts on “My Insecurities

  1. I’m glad my article inspired you. (It was me wasn’t it? Since I wrote the article on Fear of Incertainties yesterday. If not, my apologies)

    I can completely Identify myself with you. I too have a photographic memory, I’m not sure I’m a genius, but my IQ is 139, which is above average.

    “I am constantly second guessing EVERYTHING I do.” TELL ME ABOUT IT!

    My father used to tell me I’m a moron about everything, in school they’d treat me like I was special (sometimes the smart kinda special, sometimes the “special” kinda special). In both cases all the children would laugh at me. Add to that a great lot of people (teachers, bosses, colleagues) that feel bad with themselves and express their frustration to a helpless teenager. And you have the perfect recipe for mental disaster.

    I have always doubted myself. Couldn’t trust myself. It’s still hard for me.

    I try to focus on the few successes I’ve had in the past and try to think that: if that went right, and I did it by myself, then I suppose this should go fine too!

    It doesn’t always work though, it’s hard to get over.

    Have you found a solution that works for you?

    Sincerely,

    – Prozacblogger

    • Yes it was your blog that inspired mine. I start to reply to yours and realized that I had a lot more to say than just comment on the subject.

      I have to say that it is still very hard for me to trust myself, but I’m reading this book – Loving Yourself – its on my recommended reading list – that is really helping. I’ve come to realize that until you can love yourself it is very hard to trust yourself. I wish that I had a magic pill or button I could push that would fix this all immediately but since I don’t; I’m left with working through, around, under and over the issues until they are no longer issues. Its going to take a while but I have to believe in the end I can do it. It is what keeps me going.

      So my solution is working on myself – be that reading, therapy, whatever until I make myself into the person I want to/know I can be.

  2. Your smarts are something that always resonate around my memories of you. Even when you were lying in bed, having bad days, you were reading book after book, something I didn’t learn to do until I was in college! But it always inspired me. The way you work so easily with numbers, your organization skills in business and your creativity in your flower arrangements, making clothes, etc. are testaments to your intelligence. Also, your balls, regardless if they make you look like you’re cranky or unwilling to cooperate, prove how smart you are, because you stand up for what’s RIGHT instead of rolling over and giving in to what’s EASY or expected of you as a woman and a Christian. It’s no wonder you second guess yourself, when everyone around you is doing the same and you feel like you’re on the outside looking in. But from someone with an outside perspective, someone who has gained confidence from forging her own path as a STRONG WOMAN, and who still has insecurities stemming from my childhood, teen years and early twenties (I don’t think they ever stop, unless you’re a yogi or an egomaniac!), I see you in the same way. Strong, confident despite insecurities, smart and as a black sheep… which may be more challenging, but is also more rewarding. Keep your chin up, your family is going through a lot of changes and working hard for your sister’s celebration, it can’t be easy, but it will all slow down soon and you will have much more time to focus on your healing without all the distractions. Love you lady.

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