One of my fellow bloggers was talking about insecurities and the effects on us. I wanted to write this post about my insecurities. Here are the facts I have an IQ at Genius level but I also have dyslexia which make spelling even the simplest words hard. I was put in classes with the smartest kids in school but I was also in classes with children that where learning challenged. Let’s face it they were the idiots of the school, which made me one of them in the eyes of my class mates. So I became a loner. I know I am smart, I have a photographic memory and I can do things that most people can’t even begin to understand let alone do. But ask me to spell words without spell check and I am completely lost. I feel like such an idiot.
To add to this I spent years being told that all women were good for was being a dumb secretary till you caught a husband and could be a house wife and start birthing babies. That beyond these things we had no business going, that it was a man’s job to make the big, hard decisions and that we, women didn’t need to bother our pretty little heads about them. Thus in my mind WOMAN = DUMB IDIOT.
On top of this there is the sibling thing. I don’t care how much parents deny this: they do compare their children against each other. So here I am: Smart but dumb, sick with epilepsy, which means countless doctors visits, moody, emotional, a loner, with a rebellious streak. Then there is my sister Dinah who’s: sunshine and roses, she’s pretty and buys into the family’s dysfunction, she doesn’t cause waves; she is the model child, who does what she’s told to do.
This equals me thinking I can’t do anything right, that I will never be happy because I can’t conform to the family and thus everyone else, that I am stupid and worthless, that I will never be loved and that I deserve nothing better. It’s taken a lot of therapy and some good people telling me that I am loved and worthy and smart to break the thought patterns and even now they still come around from time to time. These insecurities especially like to take root when I am depressed, stress or experiencing high levels of anxiety, which right now is all the time.
They making my life and by extension everyone around me life a living hell. I am constantly second guess EVERYTHING I do.