I feel so tired. Last week and the memory flash just zapped all my strength. In the last couple of days all I have wanted to do is sleep. In fact I’ve probable slept 18 hours out of the last 24. I wake up to use the bathroom and I can barely get back to bed. I know that some of this is the depression trying to take over, so I actually made myself shower, dress, and go to the store for a few hours last night.
Plus we are on the count down to my sister’s wedding which means that we are working on the food for the reception, making the favors, finishing the jewelry and putting the finishing touches on the decorations and flowers. Thank god we decided to go with silk flowers for the wedding or I would have to be doing them all the 3 days before the wedding, which would make me really insane. I am also planning my sister’s bridal shower, which is this weekend. It means being in a group with other people, which still is sending me into anxiety attacks. Plus I have to lead the games, which makes me center of attention. yuck. I did a pre-run with the crowd thing by going to church this last Sunday and ended up getting so nervous/anxious that I started digging into my arms and made myself bled before I even noticed I was doing it. I have no idea how I am going to get through the shower much less the wedding. The thing that is hurting me the most is that all of this is expected of me, it like “of course Rose can do that, it will be no problem”. It’s never a question of can I handle it, it’s I have to handle it. No one is getting that this is costing me a lot – physically and emotionally.
So I am trying to do what I can for me – even if it means giving myself permission to do nothing but sleep all day when I know that there are a 100 and one things I need to be doing.