If I haven’t already said this and if you haven’t already caught on from my posts, I read A LOT! I also don’t stay with one book at a time but travel between them as the mood strikes me. Right now I am reading “Healing the Trauma from Childhood Sexual Abuse: The Journey for Women” – by Karen A. Duncan.
It suggest writing your story from start to finish. So I am writing it like a term paper – Kind of a “this is your life Rose Smith” – I’ve started with the time period from my birth until the abuse starts. Click here for the link. I think it is helpful although I am having issues with keeping things in chronological order since my memory comes and goes and is blurry in places.
So far it’s helped with accessing a new buried memory. I think the memory I retrieved today has been trying to come up/break out for a couple of weeks now. It would surface enough to get me upset, but as I tried to reach for it, it would slip back into the mist of my mind. Today I was able to grasp it. It was a bad one and it wasn’t even of the abuse. I can’t seem to tap into that yet. It is just a memory of the after. The thing that is making it so hard on me is that it is back before any of my other memories of abuse. Back before I was five. I am either three or four, of this I am sure, it was when my grandparents still lived near us and not 3 hours away. I have barely accepted the abuse of my five-year old self and now I have to go back and start over with accepting that I was even younger. What kind of sick, perverted, bastard wants a three/four-year old to help sate his sexually lusts and urges?