Sometimes I Wonder…

Sometimes I wonder is this ever going to end. Will I ever be able to step out the door without thinking? Yesterday I had to spend the entire morning hyping myself up so that I could go to a Bridal Expo with my sister. It went something like this – eat a good breakfast, try not to bring it back up, stand in a hot shower breathing in lavender (it suppose to calm you), find my shield clothes (all black), put on a coat of makeup (another shield), dose myself with a bunch of natural remedies (flower essences, homeopathic remedies, etc), and then spend a half hour deep breath and trying to convince myself to go outside. I finally make it to the church where I am suppose to meet up with my sister, mom and cousin, only to find out they are still inside and none of them have their phones on. So I have to go in. The noise hits me first, and then the crowd and I feel like the whole room is spinning like when you are on a merry-go-round. I know people are trying to talk to me and all I can say now is I hope the answers I gave were ok, because I can’t remember what they said to me or how I answered. All I could to was focus on the one thing I needed to do –
round up my group and get out. All the while, I keep reminding myself to breath. I literally had to keep saying to myself “breathe in, now breath out, now breath in and out”; otherwise I would forget to do it.

I finally got everyone in the car and on our way to the bridal expo, only to realize that I was going to have to step right back into another crowd, one full of people I didn’t know. Lots more breathing and a second dose of the natural remedies got me inside. I lasted about a half hour before I was again spinning on the merry-go-round, at which point I went looking for a quite place like the bathroom. I would have given anything for a good stiff drink at this point except for two things – one they were WAY overpriced, and two I’m not suppose to drink on the meds I’m on. But boy did I want a shot of Jack. The girls ended up staying till the very end and I ended up down in the lobby of the hotel that was having it looking out the window at the ocean and trying to breath my way out of a panic attack. By the time we got home I was drained. It was 6pm and I was ready to crawl into bed. I manage just barely to eat dinner before I fell asleep on the couch, my dad woke me up and I thought for sure I wouldn’t
be able to go back to sleep, but the minute my head touched my pillow I was out.

I woke up this morning and all I could think was I barely made it through that, how the hell am I going to make it through my sister’s wedding. A
whole lot more is going to be expected of me then, and all eyes are going to be on me as I go down the aisle before my sister. I keep telling my sister and my mom that I don’t know how well I’m going to be able to handle that. All I get is the patented  “you’ll do what needs to be done when the time comes”, or “don’t worry so much everything is going to be fine, worrying just makes it seem worse than it is.” All I can say is that I hope
I don’t bolt, and I can’t help worrying. God I hope my doctor finds a medicine that will help with this before September 10 or I’m going to be in trouble.  Or I’m going to be spending a lot of time in the bathroom hiding out.

While I am trying really hard not to over worry about this, I do know this could be a big issue for me. God, I wish I had better control over this, or even better God, please make this go away, at least till after the wedding.

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