I realized as I was reading a blog from someone else that is recovering from child abuse, that my sister’s wedding planning isn’t the only thing that is going on with me right now. In fact I think the reason I am in such overdrive on that is because of some things that have come up in the last few weeks with my grandmother and mother. I am using the wedding planning as a detraction.
To start at the beginning, since the death of Satan, my grandmother’s moods have been swinging every which way. Now she is remembering things like walking in on my grandfather abusing my mother and she is finally talking about them. The bad thing about this that she is taking all the anger and hurt she feels towards my grandfather and focusing it on my mother, since my grandfather is no longer around. My mom has been talking to her friends and family about all this a lot, myself included. The problem is that my mom won’t just cut her off and refuse to have anymore contact with her.
The newest thing, which my grandmother threw up to my mother, my mom wouldn’t even tell me about. I had to hear it from my sister. Our religion believes that at death any marriage vows end, we also believe in the resurrection. My grandmother has taking to spouting this crap – When her husband is resurrected he is no longer go to want her and since the marriage vows are broken he can now marry my mother, which should make my mother really happy since she always wanted him all to herself.
Yes, you are hearing me right; my grandmother is predicting a marriage between her husband and her daughter. Yuk. How sick is this. What mother would ever say something so nasty to their child. She is constantly calling my mother the other woman and a whore. I think she truly believes that my mom wanted, asked for, seeked my grandfather’s abuse. Like any child would want that. L My mom is a royal mess right now, she disassociating all the time. It is very hard for her to stay present.
So I’m dealing with an emotional basket case, and to top it all off my mom says to me the other day that she now thinks that I was right all along in cutting off all contact with both of my grandparents, she wishes she had done it. While I’m hearing what she is saying, all I can think is yeah, me too. If she had done this, years ago, maybe I wouldn’t have been abused. I realize that she is trying to praise/acknowledge my courage, but now all I’m feeling is totally mad. I have fought for years for this to happen and finally now she is seeing my side.
Of course the very next day after my mom said the above she was back to answer my grandmother’s calls and taking her abuse. It is very hard to think finally someone is coming over to my side on this thing, and being so happy about it, only to have them basically stab you in the back the moment you turn around. No wonder I am hiding in wedding planning; it is so much nicer to think about than all of this.