With the announcement of my sister’s wedding, I have gone into the “Perfectionist Planner” mode. Because my life was such disarray growing up, I became a planner, list writer and organizer. I needed everything that I could control to be perfect. I always had things done way ahead of time. I would start packing for trips a month ahead of time, just so that I wouldn’t forget anything.
With the wedding coming up in September, I have again gone overboard. I have a need for everything to be perfect. The flowers are done already, beautiful silk bouquets. I have a dress. I have the complete invitation list for my sister’s guests, with addresses and phone #. I’ve started a list of music selection for my sister to go through and give to the DJ. We’ve found the reception hall and I have already started table/seating placements. I’ve signed us up for a Bridal show at the end of the month so we can get ideas on food, cakes, hair, makeup and more. With all this planning, you would think that I was the one getting married. I just can’t stop. I can feel myself cycling and I can’t stop the madness. My brain won’t shut off, I keep thinking of all the things that need to be done – register for gifts, get a DJ, order a cake, send out invitation, organize a bridal shower, pick out the food for the reception, etc. I’ve tried meditation but I just can’t reach a calm state. Also not helping the situation is the fact that my mother is obsessing over this as well and she can’t make a decision without talking it through a thousand times, flip-flopping between one thing and another, and then asking me what I would suggest. I will make suggestion, we will tie it down, I think I’m done with it, only to have my mother start to second, third and fourth guess herself.
I feel myself pushing aside my wants and needs, my healing process to do this. It’s like wedding 24/7 in my mind. I have been stuffing down all my feelings and I am plowing through on auto-pilot. I can tell I am on a crash course with a big old mountain, but I can’t seem to get it together enough to pull up.
My sister is house-sitting this week so I have asked that all wedding talk be put on hold. I need a break, because as much as I want to make sure everything is planned perfectly, I can feel my sanity slipping away. If I don’t pull back soon, I won’t be around to even enjoy the wedding.
So I have to keep reminding myself of these things:
- This is not my wedding; I am not responsible for making any chooses.
- I can let go of the rains and let someone else take over.
- It is not my fault if something is not done or goes badly.
- Don’t push myself to do more than I am able to do.
- All I am really responsible for is me – making sure I have a dress, shoes and makeup, showing up on the day and standing next to my sister as she gets married. EVERYTHING ELSE IS SOMEONE ELSES PROBLEM.
I have to be a little selfish to survive. Even though this is a hard concept for me, I have to accept that it is for my own good.