The Perfectionist Planner

With the announcement of my sister’s wedding, I have gone into the “Perfectionist Planner” mode. Because my life was such disarray growing up, I became a planner, list writer and organizer. I needed everything that I could control to be perfect. I always had things done way ahead of time. I would start packing for trips a month ahead of time, just so that I wouldn’t forget anything.

With the wedding coming up in September, I have again gone overboard. I have a need for everything to be perfect. The flowers are done already, beautiful silk bouquets. I have a dress. I have the complete invitation list for my sister’s guests, with addresses and phone #. I’ve started a list of music selection for my sister to go through and give to the DJ. We’ve found the reception hall and I have already started table/seating placements. I’ve signed us up for a Bridal show at the end of the month so we can get ideas on food, cakes, hair, makeup and more. With all this planning, you would think that I was the one getting married. I just can’t stop. I can feel myself cycling and I can’t stop the madness. My brain won’t shut off, I keep thinking of all the things that need to be done – register for gifts, get a DJ, order a cake, send out invitation, organize a bridal shower, pick out the food for the reception, etc. I’ve tried meditation but I just can’t reach a calm state. Also not helping the situation is the fact that my mother is obsessing over this as well and she can’t make a decision without talking it through a thousand times, flip-flopping between one thing and another, and then asking me what I would suggest. I will make suggestion, we will tie it down, I think I’m done with it, only to have my mother start to second, third and fourth guess herself.

I feel myself pushing aside my wants and needs, my healing process to do this. It’s like wedding 24/7 in my mind. I have been stuffing down all my feelings and I am plowing through on auto-pilot. I can tell I am on a crash course with a big old mountain, but I can’t seem to get it together enough to pull up.

My sister is house-sitting this week so I have asked that all wedding talk be put on hold. I need a break, because as much as I want to make sure everything is planned perfectly, I can feel my sanity slipping away. If I don’t pull back soon, I won’t be around to even enjoy the wedding.

So I have to keep reminding myself of these things:

  1. This is not my wedding; I am not responsible for making any chooses.
  2. I can let go of the rains and let someone else take over.
  3. It is not my fault if something is not done or goes badly.
  4. Don’t push myself to do more than I am able to do.
  5. All I am really responsible for is me – making sure I have a dress, shoes and makeup, showing up on the day and standing next to my sister as she gets married. EVERYTHING ELSE IS SOMEONE ELSES PROBLEM.

I have to be a little selfish to survive. Even though this is a hard concept for me, I have to accept that it is for my own good.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s