*******trigger warning –suicidal thoughts*******
I’m so sorry that I haven’t posted since last week but a lot has happened. Last Wednesday morning my sister got engaged. Thursday I was denied my social security disability. To add to that my medicine decided to stop working and I ended up checking myself into the hospital. I started writing this post after my sister’s announcement:
“The madness that is my sister’s wedding has become official this morning. I think I’m the antichrist of romance, love and weddings. Watching my sister last night with her man, all I could think is where is the hose. While I’m happy that she has finally found a man that she can commit to, I’m envious, jealous and a whole mess of other emotions that I’m still having problems identifying. “
After that things just when downhill – Wednesday night I started fixating on the swimming pool in the backyard of the place I’ve been staying. I keep thinking I could just walk through the glass door and into the swimming pool and that would be that. No more living and no more problems. Instead I went home where there was no peace and quiet and no time to think such thoughts. By Thursday night I couldn’t take that anymore so I packed a few things to go back to the quiet house I was staying at. First though I had my group counseling, wouldn’t you know that was the night that everyone in my group decided to stay home, so I spent 1 ½ hours talking about all the craziness going through my head – weddings, love, the fact that I was denied SSI and I have no money. I have one person (my adopted grandmother) wanting to give me whatever money I need and my other grandmother, Babylon(the wife of Satan) not wanting to pass over a dime to help me get through all the damage her husband caused me. I feel bad about taking the money from my adopted grandmother because I feel this is not something she did, why should she have to pay for fixing it. the money should be coming out of my grandfather’s estate. He was the one that abused me, my grandmother allowed it to continue, the money(which they have) to fix it should come from them. And there are all these problems that Babylon is causing for my mother and me. (click here for more on that)
After group I when back to an empty house, only to start fixating on the knife I used to make my dinner and how much I wanted to stab myself with it. I started wondering how many times I could stab myself before I wouldn’t be able to any more. I showered, turned on the TV, tried to read but nothing would stop the thoughts from going through my head, so again I packed up and left to go home. All the way home I keep wondering how fast I would need to be going to kill myself by driving myself into the cement telephone lines.
By Friday, not even my busy house could keep those thoughts and others from taking root in my head. I called my doctor about my medicine, but he wasn’t in the office and I was told to go to the hospital. So I spent all day Friday and part of Saturday, in the mental ward. 20 to 30 people were checked in the same day as me, most of them were men. Crazy men must think they can get away with anything because I was flashed full sets of balls, I had one guy tell me that he could make me all better, all I needed was a good lay and he was willing and able to help. The two times I fell asleep, I was woke up. The first one was a man, who put his hand on my leg and his head on my shoulder and whispered “Hey, Sweet Thing.” Talk about flashback city. I finally got myself into a private room and fell asleep again only to have a woman try to get in bed with me. I was totally against that and she left only to go down the hall, into the bathroom and hang herself with her shoelaces that someone forgot to take from her. She didn’t die, but the screening area was on high alert. I was moved from the screening area to the ward at about 10pm after being there for 12 hours. The room I was assigned had two other people in it. One snored like a freight train and the other talked in her sleep, full conversations. I was on high alert all night and didn’t get any sleep. In the morning, I found out that 2 people on our ward where considered highly dangerous to themselves and others, and that they couldn’t be left alone for a minute, they always had to have their assigned nurse with them. And guess where one of these people was sleeping? That’s right in my room. I’m glad I didn’t know till the morning or I wonder have really freaked out. Fortunately since I checked myself in I could check myself out, thank god. I don’t think I could have lasted much more in there. All I can say is that I’m NOT that crazy.
Now I have a cold/fever and I feel horrible. I need to get into my doctor for some new antidepressants(bye,bye Zoloft) and all I want to do is sleep. So I’m sorry if it will be a few more days before I get to post again.