Speaking out or up about who I am and what I’ve experienced and what I’m continuing to experience is not an easy thing. First of all my life until now has been about being seen and not heard, like every good child has been taught. It’s been about the secrets we hid and cannot tell the world. I like to call it the “happy face mask” that the world see, and we hid behind so that no one can see our pain.
Here in this blog for the first time I’m letting the mask slip away. Let’s be truthful I’m throwing that mask away as far as it can go. With each post and each truth the mask I’ve always hidden behind is sailing farther and farther away. The start of this blog was the start of my “Speaking out” party. I want it to continue for as long as I have something to say.
I’m allowing myself to accept that speech is a powerful weapon. That it is a tool that I can use to break out of my self-denying shell. It’s the way I can express myself beautifully about who I am and what makes me, me. It’s a way of allowing others to know that I will no longer be denied my voice, my memories, my pain or the healing that comes from them. Its way of telling others what I expect from them, how I want to be treated and what I will be no longer allow to be done to me.
I have “joined the cause,” the one that speaks out against evil, the one that calls out from my very depths to make myself known, heard and felt.
It is time to bring my “silent self” out. Like a debutante, my silent self is ready to meet the world. It’s time to give it voice. To allow it to be heard, it is time to say how I feel, to ask for what I need, and to express all the hurt, discomfort and pain, I’ve keep hidden. I will no longer be too afraid, too hurt or disregarded to voice these emotions.
No longer will I allow my pent-up emotions to make me feel unworthy. All these emotion are recording inside me, and by holding them in I am only damaging myself. So I am popping the cork and letting them out so that I can find value in myself and so that I can allow others to see that I have value.
With each click and comment here on my blog, I feel the silent voice coming out and getting stronger. I am being heard and my cause, my party is getting a voice one that is strong and clear.
My voice says: “I was abuse sexually, physically and emotionally. I was a perverted man’s sex toy. I was a punching bag for mother’s abuse issues. I was an emotional surrogate between my mother and my father, since neither could find a way to share with each other. I will not longer allow these roles to rule who I am today. I am so much more. I have rights. (see myblog – I Have the Right)