*******trigger warning – flashback*******
In therapy yesterday we were talking about words that I don’t like to hear. They make me uncomfortable or I automatically deny them as not true, at least when I come to me. Things like “you are a beautiful person, you are smart, and you are a good person”. The one I have the hardest time with is the “you are a beautiful person”, most of the other ones I am starting to be able to accept. Yesterday I had a break through as to why.
My therapist asked me to close my eyes and to listen to what my body was telling me (its reactions) when she said “Rose, you are a beautiful person.”
Instant nausea. Followed by body memories, then flashback. I was on the bed again; he was touching me and looking at me. Then he was telling me how beautiful I was and that it just made him want me more.
The Son of a B@#$%. He took something that was a good thing and made it associated with his sick, perverted use of my body. No wonder every time someone tells me I’m pretty or beautiful or look good, I want to go and hide, or deny it.
I already know that my compulsive eating/eating to feel better is an issue that was caused by my abuse. But I never realized how deep the need to hide in my weight went. If I was fat and ugly maybe he wouldn’t want me anymore. Maybe it would stop. Now I’m carrying that weight as a shield to protect me from anyone hurting me again.
I’ve been reading about the lasting effect that child abuse has on a person. How sad it is that this is one of mine.