I feel I live in a world of chaos and drama. Sometimes I want to run away. Dinah, my sister, is moving full steam ahead with her relationship with the guy from Mississippi. While I know that sometimes you meet someone and just know. That is not Dinah’s MO. She is a rush in and then leave them high and dry, crushed and broken. A love them till they love her and them left them girl. And while I hope this is different and that she has finally grown up, it’s hard for me to even hope anymore.
This all started with friends introducing them over the internet. She was like he’s ok, but that was it. Then he came here and she was getting his attention and it was love. All I keep seeing is the love-struck cartoons with hearts popping out of their eyes. It’s now two months and one visit later and they are talking house, rings and wedding dresses. This is sending Eve (mom) into a tizzy. She can’t stand the thought of losing the person she is living vicariously through. To make it all worse Dinah got into this deal with this drug addict to buy everything in his house for $500. Now I have to say that the furniture and other things made this a good deal. Too bad it also came with a crack-addict, suicidal nut job. He ended up Baker Acted for 72 hours for threatening to kill himself on his front lawn the night he sold everything to my sister. We had to move everything out the very next day before his drug dealer or his drug addict friends cleaned out the place. (More Drama) Now it’s been 3 days and he’s at our door say he’s missing a “family heirloom” and can he go through the furniture we brought, and of course my mother being my mother took him to my grandmother’s where all the stuff is stored. Only to come home missing her wallet. (More Drama) Thus ensues 2 hours of chaos of tracking him and her wallet down. We got in back and my dad and I want to call the police but mom and Dinah just want to let the guy go. So instead of dealing with this anymore I am in here in my room writing and trying to de-stress.
The more I think about this the more I realize that this is the way my life always seems to be. Drama, intense stress, trying to come down, before you get hit with the next drama. I know that my therapist wants me to get out of this house for a while so that I can heal without all the outside influence, but it is hard to let good. I’m the port in the storm, the chaos, the one who can still think and act logically. I am not like my mom and Dinah, who just goes with their emotions. It’s hard to let go of a responsibility that has been mine for my whole life.
I know this is majorly triggering me because I am feeling the same way I did as a kid when my mom would leave us – either physically or into one of her personalities, and I had to take over. I had to make sure my sister was taking care of, that we had food in the house, and so much more. I can still remember being in the grocery store and my mom not remembering why we were there, so I had to pick out all the groceries, make sure she’d pay for them and get them home. It happened so much that I can’t even tell you at what age that started.
I’m so tired of being responsible for things but now that I am pulling away and trying to care for me, I’m being pulled back in more and more and it’s hard to fight that pull.