A Darkness Inside

I’m not sure if it the weather or the medication or a little of both, but I feel dark. Its like being encased in a raincloud. Its dark and depressing. Lightning flashes occasionally and you see what should be or what you want to be but then the light is gone, and you are once again in darkness. All I want is quiet and to be left alone. I want to stay in bed with the covers over my head. I want to cry and scream.

I don’t want to take care of my mother who just had breast surgery, and can’t do anything. I don’t want to hear about my sister and her boyfriend. I don’t want to even think about her getting married. Here I am suppose to be the one standing up for her and I don’t think I can do it. It means finding a dress. (I hate finding clothes especial when I feel like this, because I feel fat and ugly.) It means standing up with her in front of tons of people, plus all the parties – bridal shower, reception. (Right now leaving the house is hard, crowds of people, the thought just puts me into a panic.) But how do I tell her? I don’t want to disappoint her either.

Screaming in the darkness here.

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