Why is it so hard to get someone to just listen to what I am saying without trying to fix it? Sometimes it feels like the only ones that actually listen to me are the people I am paying to do it. And they are the ones that should actually be trying to fix me. I am so sick of family and friends with their “help advice.” I keep hearing them all in my head.
“You’ll free better it you go outside.” “You should get dressed, it will help you start your day.” ” Pray” “Go to church” “You should eat something” ” Don’t eat that, it isn’t good for you.”
Can’t they understand that each day is like climbing Mt. Everest with a 100lb pack, swimming the Atlantic Ocean, and running across the USA all at the same time and that is when I’m having a good day. Forget it if I’m having a bad day.
What started this rant though is the new medication (Celexa)I was put on. First of all I was scared to death of taking this medication because one of the side effects is that it causes seizures. I have epilepsy and my seizures are the “drop on the ground, shake uncontrollable, lose consciousness” type. While both my psychiatrist and my neurologist assured me that I shouldn’t have any problems with the medication, I was still terrified. I can not stand the thought of having any more seizures. (the reason why it a story for another day) So after two weeks of putting off taking this medication, I finally worked up the nerve to go for it.
My doctor suggested my taking it in the morning so that is what I did. About a half hour later, I was feeling drunk-dizzy (you know that feeling where if you sit or stand up the whole room spins like a Til-Ta-Wheel). So there I was flat on my back wondering when the world was going to stop spinning. Finally I just gave in and went to sleep. It was the easiest way to deal with it. Imagine my surprise when I woke up 6 hours later. I have to say that it was some of the better sleep I have gotten in a while. But seeing as it was making me sleep during the day and wide awake at night I decided to change the time of day I take it to the bedtime.
I thought ok – good sleep, I can deal with that as a side effect, especially since I have insomnia. Little did I know what was about to hit me next. The name I am giving it is the “Faster than a speeding bullet/Energizer bunny.” At least that is what my body felt like. I couldn’t sit still. I had to be doing something every second. The more I did the better, two, three things at once. When I did sit down my hands, feet and legs just wouldn’t sit still. I had to move them. I felt this way from 9 in morning till 2am last night when my body just gave out and I fell asleep. Only to wake up to the some feeling this morning and a horrible headache. So I’m trying to tell my family what I am experiencing and this is what I get.
Mom – “Maybe you are taking too much. Why don’t you try cutting it in half. I have some natural stuff that I think would help you more.”
Sister – “Maybe this is the way you are suppose to feel and you are just not use to feeling good. I like you on it. You do stuff.”
Dad – “Go for a walk. It will do you good”
Below is what I am feeling and what I would like to say to each of them.
TO MOM – I don’t want to try the natural route, been there done that. Why can’t you be a normal mom and just listen and care. Its like if you fix it than you can go back to all the other people who are demanding your time and forget about me again. (sorry getting into my mother issues here, soon I will work on a post that explains my family and how it works)
TO SISTER -This is NOT the way anyone should feel. And I do a lot of things. Just because I am not the out-going, nature freak, that can’t sit still for a moment, doesn’t mean that I’m crazy. I will never be you. I don’t really want to be.
TO DAD – I wish you’d get a clue. You have no idea how to deal with what I am going though. I wish you’d read the books I’ve been leaving around(in fact I wish all my family would take some time to read the books on PTSD and abuse) While I’m sure you think that what you are saying is helpful, all I hear is – you’re fat , get up and do something and would you get over this already.
So now I’m on a medication that is driving me crazy and my family is no help. I guess I should say what is new.