*******trigger warning – flashbacks*******
It’s like no matter what I do, it’s there just waiting to jump out at me. Triggers – I like to call them monsters, because they are like the monsters that use to hide under my bed or the one that lived in my closet when I was little. Most of the time they are not there then out of nowhere they jump out and grab you. No warning, no protection, they just have you. I’ll have a semi normal day only to have one little thing trigger me and it becomes a nightmare.
Take the example from a few days ago, the day was going ok. Ok, so I hadn’t left the house or gotten dressed but I hadn’t felt like crying for hours on end for no reason either so I decided to go ahead and take a shower since my hair was really greasy – after all 2 ½ days of no showers will do that to you. So there I am in the shower standing under the hot spray enjoy the relaxing feel of it. When suddenly as I’m washing the shampoo from my hair – I have my eyes close, fingers in my hair try to get the soap and the knots out – the monster grabs me. I start to gag and I can’t breathe and I could have sworn someone was pulling my hair and something was in my mouth and I was choking on it. I wanted out of the shower right that second. I wanted to sink to the floor and ball my eyes out. I wanted to scream. I wanted to throw up. I wanted to do all those things and so much more. And yet the other part of me was telling me to buck up, wash the shampoo from my hair, finish washing, and put some conditioner in my hair – to just finish what had to be done. Not to give in to my feelings till I was done. I don’t even know how I was able to turn off enough to get through what had to be done, before I could collapse. It’s like I go on to this autopilot. While my emotions are screaming and going bananas, the robot in me takes over and gets me through. This leaves me so weak and tired and emotional drained yet now I know sleep will not be possible. I want something to make this all better. I mean I can’t even take showers in peace.
The question now becomes how do I avoid the monster that is now living in my shower, when I have to bath every day? Like the monster that use to lived in my closet when I was little, it was only when I turned on the light and really looked in the closet that this monster went away. So now I have to really look at what exactly it is about the shower that is causing me to trigger. I have to dig through the senses and the feelings shine a light on why?
So what caused the shower to grow such a horrid monster in it when up till now it was just a shower? With the memories I have now recovered I now know that my grandfather’s favorite hunting ground was the shower.