My Abuser(s)

When I first started this page I thought I only had one abuser, my grandfather, Satan. How wrong I turned out to be!

Grandmother/Babylon

Wife of Satan – Mother of Eve, Abel and Cain – Grandmother of Rose, Dinah, Gabriel

While she never abused me physically or sexually, in the last couple of weeks it has come out that she knew all about what Satan was doing to my mother. She caught him at it a few times and did nothing. To me that makes her just as if not more responsible for the abuse. And if she allowed/facilitated my mother’s abuse, did she do the same thing with me? For years I have always wondered where my mother was when I was getting abused. I strongly suspect/know that my grandmother was distracting her. My grandmother would insist that my mother would have long talks with her, in that time my mother was so distracted trying to just keep her head above water so to speak that she wasn’t able to watch out for anyone else.

My grandmother has been going downhill ever since Satan met with his end. One moment she thinks he’s a sainted man that everyone loved and the next she is flashing back to all the memories of him abusing someone. This is when she is her bitchiest, meanest, most vindictive. She has beaten on my mother, accused her of being the “other woman” in her marriage, and deliberately told my mother memories of her abuse that she has not retrieved yet, all as a way to hurt her. She purposely brings up my grandfather “the sainted man” in my hearing just to hurt me. Needless to say I have little to nothing to do with this woman. She is a bitch and a serpent.

Grandfather/Satan

Husband of Babylon - Father of Eve, Abel and Cain – Grandfather of Rose, Dinah, Gabriel

Part of me doesn’t want to write this page because I feel by doing it that I give this person/my abuser importance. And yet this person is important because he is the reason that I am the way I am. So for the first time I am going to talk about the evil that formed the person I am.

I went with the name Satan for all the obvious reason. To me this person signifies all that is evil. He is a destroyer of lives. He is a liar and a manipulator. He knows your weaknesses and he goes for them. He held a position of power within our religion and he used it to get what he wanted from his victims and to make himself look so clean. To the outside world he was this great man who was funny (always telling a joke), a family man, and a spiritual leader. To me he was the worst kind of evil; he was a child abuser, a pervert and a killer of young lives. I now know that what he did to me and so many others changed us forever. We have lost our childhood, our innocence, our trust in others, our self-esteem and our control over our bodies. They were all taken by a man who had no remorse, no mercy and no conscience. It was all about him and what he wanted, what he could get and get away with.

When I started having flashbacks of my abuse, I only saw him as a Dracula/Vampire type figure. He would swoop in, with his hair all slicked back, flash on evil grin (the kind that says I have you now, there is no escape) and then his cloak would swirl around me and everything would fade to black. While I couldn’t see behind that cape in the beginning, I knew what happened there was bad. It has taken aggressive therapy to retrieve those memories, I am still getting more and more of them back every day.

He used my own brain against me. I was a smart kid; I tested in the gifted/genius range. He used my smarts and my body as a tool to manipulate me. I can still hear him saying if I was stupider he wouldn’t want me. He was attracted to my brain. Or he would say that I was so beautiful that it was like I bewitched him with my body, and he just had to have me. He could not stay away for me; it was beyond his control. (Dammit, I was only five went all this started, how could I have such a power.) That is why today hearing that I’m a smart girl or that I am beautiful, makes me sick to my stomach. For many years I have tried to make myself look as unattractive as possible so that he wouldn’t want me.

Sometimes he used the Bible to prove what he was doing was ok. I went almost crazy a few months back when this memory started to emerge from behind the dark cloak. All I knew was that I had to find the scriptures he used. I spent hours trying to find them and with each one that I found, the memories grew clearer and clearer.

Somehow he was able to keep everyone quite about what he was and what he did. Even now that he is dead and all of this is coming out more and more into the light in our family, his wife still thinks he is a sainted man. I would so like to disillusion her. He was the man who abused a child starting at the age of five. He was the man who had sex with me in his own bed, the marriage bed he shared with his wife. He was the man who trapped me in the shower and made me give him hand jobs and blowjobs. He was the man who pulled me by the hair into which ever room he could so that he could have his way with me. He was the man who laughed and laughed when I confronted him with my memories of the abuse at the age of 18. He was the man who made my life a living hell and still is even though he is dead. And now he is the man who I am exposing for what he was, so all the world can know and so that I can get some closure and heal.

So to sum it all up this man is really Satan to me.

5 Responses to “My Abuser(s)”

  1. Sophia 04/03/2011 at 12:40 pm #

    The devil in disguise, no doubt. I can understand why it would take such a long time to gather your thoughts on this one, it’s not a nice story, but it is the truth. You are very brave for sharing. I am so proud of you, not for your brains or your beauty (which you have in abundance) but for your courage! If he was Dracula, you are the heroine of your own story, and you are slaying his ghost! He has blinded others with his darkness. It’s like when it’s so dark outside and you close your eyes and see sparks or stars behind your lids… that’s what your grandmother mistakes as his “light” his “glow” but really its her own blindness at his total absence of it. Keep up the good work!

  2. Laura Jackson 06/06/2012 at 7:04 pm #

    I think your so strong for writing this something I never could, fear still has a hold as well as my families especially my mothers denial, I think how you confront this monster is inspirational and stay strong your not alone and your brains are a gift don’t let him poison you against that, you are the hero in a story of monsters and I think how you find strength to go on each day is simply mind blowing.

  3. GOD 03/09/2014 at 6:41 pm #

    Hi, i read your article, and from personal experience it is wise NOT to remove responsibility for harm done by any person by tranferring it to “satan” who is a convenient scapegoat for the harm that human beings themselves do. Obviously there is NO such entity as ‘satan’, but humanity has created this “scapegoat” in order to excuse the harm done by human beings. Sad, but true and very real, and by your article I see the same thing done. Place the responsibility ONLY where it belongs: upon the human being that caused it and acted it out. Maybe then, by truly accepting this reality, there is hope for healing, and all lingering attachment to the person who caused harm is finally broken, which only then allows healing. I speak from personal experience, and my motivation to write this article is from love alone. I hope you can understand this. Blessed Be. I bless you in your healing process and may Light guide your way, and NOT some imaginary being called “satan”.

    • Phoenix 03/15/2014 at 3:46 pm #

      I don’t think you actually got the point of my post at all. To protect the innocent, I have changed the names of everyone that appears in this blog, including my own. Most of the names are from the Bible and I have chosen them to help represent what these people are like in real life. The “name” I choose to represent my abuser is Satan. It is only a name that I use to show that I am talking about my abuser. Just like my name in the blog is “A” or “Rose” or any of my other personality none of them are really my name. Just as Satan is not really my abuser’s name. I WOULD NEVER REMOVE THE RESPONSIBILITY/BLAME OF WHAT HAPPEN TO ME FOR THE PERSON WHO DID IT. MY MATERNAL GRANDFATHER WAS A CHILD ABUSER, PEDIFILE, AND AN EVIL MAN. HE IS THE ONE RESPONSIBILE FOR WHAT HE DID TO ME.

      On the other hand, I do believe in God and Satan, Angels and Demons, and what the Bible teaches. Those are my beliefs, I don’t require them to be yours or anyone else. Having said that the reason I went with the “name” Satan for my abuser is that in the Bible Satan is all that is evil in the world, just as my abuser was all that was evil in my world. I hope this make it clearer for you.

      • Natalie Jarman 06/01/2014 at 7:05 pm #

        You are so brave and so strong for getting this out. I applaud your honesty! Keep on going in your therapy. Your healing will soon come and please know that your pain was not for nothing because you are helping others by sharing your story. Right on! :)

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