Scared to Death Covered by Numbness

21 Mar

I have been sharing in my last couple of post about Babylon (grandmother) falling and breaking her hip. Which has made this last week a living H<!!. To make matters worse my adopted grandmother, the one that makes me feel special, loved and truly worth while, fell on Monday night and broke her hip. I ask God: “Really, I mean I have enough to deal with. Do you have to give me this too? So I spend 5 hours on Monday night and all of today in the hospital with her. For me this is a big deal, first of all hospital trigger me big time due to how many times I’ve had to be in them having something done to me. Second, there are people everywhere; someone is always coming in and out of the room. Plus there are machines that start beeping at unexpected times, which put me on high alert, so I was jumpy all day long. My adopted Grandmother is 95 years old; she has no children so mostly our family takes care of her. But the relationship she and I have is very special; she gives me all the things that I never received from either one of my biological grandmothers. So here I am sitting all day in the hospital freaking out at every little thing, and all I can think is please don’t let her die.

On the outside I’m this numb ball, but on the inside I’m scared to death that something is going to happen and I am going to lose one of the most important persons in my life. I keep thinking of all the things that will have to be done if she dies – funeral arrangement, wills, etc. and all I can think is that I will have to make it perfect for her so that everyone can see how very much I love her and while because I would want it to be perfect.

All the while Babylon is exactly 2 floors below us, and she really has a better chance of dying on the operating table, because of a heart problem she won’t allow the doctors to fix before they fix her hip. For her there is nothing but a feeling of will you hurry up and die already. I feel like my emotions are in the middle of a tug of war fight – on one side is the grandmother that I dearly love and couldn’t stand for anything bad to happen to and on the other is Babylon, the grandmother I can’t wait to drop off. I have yet to step into Babylon’s room, because I just can’t seem to get the energy to care.

My adopted Grandmother made it through surgery ok, now we just need everything else to go good. As for Babylon, she has her surgery tomorrow…. I think you all know how I’d like that one to end. Right noow I am trying to hold me together.

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One Response to “Scared to Death Covered by Numbness”

  1. Brighid 04/04/2012 at 4:20 pm #

    I hope everything is going well for you. I haven’t been able to look at my email for quite sometime, but I don’t see anything after this post. I hope your adopted Grandmother is recovering well. I am sorry you are going through such a difficult time.

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