Who The H<!! Am I Now?

19 Mar

I was sitting in my therapist office talking about all the stuff that is going on with Babylon (grandmother) and my feeling towards it, when I got this funny feeling. It felt like the me that is normally present – even when the others are out – got shoved into the back seat of my mind and suddenly someone else was driving. I looked around and all my others – Kit, Becca, Edith, Rose, Sonja and Genevieve where all strapped in next to me. I’m sitting there watching the person I was in therapy, and this person is talking a mile a minute, her hands are everywhere. It’s like she can’t talk without her hands, like there is an invisible string between her mouth and her hands, and without one the other doesn’t work. I know that sometimes I use hand jesters when I talk but never like this. They are big and compulsive and uncontrolled. Then I realize I know this person, but it isn’t one that exists inside my head. It’s like I’d channeled my mother. Her rabid arm movements when she talks, her feelings of guilt, everything.  At first, I couldn’t figure out what was happening or who was taking over but the more I watched from the backseat the more I saw my mother. It really freaked me out. All the time, in the passenger seat is The Shadow – laughing. It’s like being shown that no matter how hard I’m trying there is no escaping the fact that I’m going to turn into my mother.

I know that to get better sometimes you have to get worse first, but I’m starting to feel like I’m really going crazy. I know that they say that crazy people don’t know that they are crazy, but this is pretty nuts. I have been giving it a lot of thought about getting additional help with my dissociative parts; I’m just not sure what or where to go.

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