Friday was a hellish day of therapy. In fact I got so mad at my therapist I had to leave before the session was over; I just couldn’t stand being in the same room as her. She thinks that I need to make the decision to move out, now. She was really pushing it. I’ve been so angry about this; it has taken all weekend to get calm enough to write about it. At first all I did was put it at the back of my mind and didn’t think about at all. I let it stagnate for a while. Now I am ready to express my feelings on the matter.
First, and foremost I cannot move out of my home at this time because I am basically being supported by my parents. I have no income coming in. I have applied to Social Security, but this is a long process and takes time. The only other option I have when it comes to money is doing what I was doing before, shutting off all emotion working 60 to 80 hour weeks and feeling nothing. This is what got me here in the first place, I’ve had 2 break downs and had to leave jobs because I could no longer handle the stress that came with them on top of the stress of trying to suppress years of abuse and the effects it had on me. This is not something that I am willing to do again, it’s time that I spend some time getting better, so unless she is suggesting I take to living on the streets, I really only have one option staying where I’m at.
Second, I don’t want to move out. As it is I have a tendency to be very reclusive, the only thing that gets me out of my home now is the fact that I need to escape the craziness. I am sure that living on my own would only make me more reclusive. I don’t think that I could live with someone else because I don’t trust anyone else and that would send my PTSD into overdrive.
Third, comes the matter of my dog. He is a 75lb Rottweiler, not many places that rent would allow me to keep him. Without him, I don’t function. Some days he is the only reason I get up, I keep going because of him, I don’t do something foolish like end it all because I have him depending on me. I’m not going anywhere without him.
Fourth, I thought it was the goal of therapy to help you work through and solve your problems not run away from them. What I need from my therapist is not to be told I need to move out. That isn’t solving my problems that is just adding to them. I need help in dealing with the issues that I am having at home.
I still love my family, and I felt like my therapist was telling me that I have to cut myself off from them to get better. The reality is, is that, that is never going to happen as long as I can find something redeeming in my family.
For my therapist, who I’m sure is going to be reading this before our next session, I also feel that you are trying to make me mad. I feel that since you are no longer an intern, and you are now trying to set up your practice you are trying to get rid of me. I know that you feel that you are responsible for me because you agreed to take on me case in the beginning, but the last month has been hard. Trying to schedule appointments that work with you, me and the community assist office that we have been working out of has been trying. If you are trying to get me to quit, so that you no longer have to deal with my case, I understand and can appreciate that I have now become a hassle. After all I can’t pay what you will be making in your new practice. If this is the case it will not hurt my feelings, I just would like to know so that I can move on. I need someone who is committed to helping me where I’m at with the problems I have now, not someone who is trying to move me out and give me a whole new set of issues.