Disassociating In Therapy

6 Feb

I keep losing time in my therapy sessions. I remember walking into them, and I start talking. Then there is nothing. It’s like my brain goes to static, and the next thing I remember is leaving therapy feeling like I’ve been ran through the wringer. I keep trying to remember but all I am only getting is bits and pieces. It feels like the harder I try to dig it out the deeper it goes, and it keeps giving me headaches. This last week’s session, I remember most clearly the baby/young child from the other session crying through most of mine. I think this is what triggered me because it’s all I can hear. I know that I am suppose to be working on something for next week, that it’s important, a list of some kind, but I can’t remember of what, and every time I try to I hear the child crying. If I can only get past the sounds maybe I can get to what was said so I can remember why I need to make a list and what needs to be on it. The problem is that by turning off the crying I seem to be turning off the rest of the sound and I can’t hear what I am saying.

This is so confusing. I try so hard to stay present in therapy, but due to some scheduling issues, my therapy times have been changing from week to week. This isn’t helping because I can’t seem to get all my parts to behave. They don’t like change too much, so they are acting out.  The thing is that until I started writing this I didn’t even know that they were having an issue with this. And now that I have started writing this out and they seem to be talking to me again, I realize that the therapy thing  may not be the only issue they have with me right now.  It’s like they are all mad at me right now and don’t want to talk to me so they have been staying in the background a lot lately. This is also not helping me because they are not coming forward when I need them. So the “A” host part of me is feeling alone, unprotected, abandoned, and really scared.  This is leading to me not wanting to go out of the house, again.  I guess it is time “we” all had a talk.

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3 Responses to “Disassociating In Therapy”

  1. Brighid 02/06/2012 at 12:39 pm #

    Sorry you’re going through that. Keep writing as much as possible since they seem to be responding to it right now. Good Luck having your talk with them. I hope that the struggle indicates that you are about to have a nice breakthrough. Maybe with the crying baby.

  2. Bob 08/26/2012 at 12:53 pm #

    Dear Phoenix,
    Thank you for your valuable information on DDNOS.
    I have been a buddy for two people with DID for five years.Recently I got to know a person with DDNOS and I want to find out more about this condition.
    I would like to ask you,if your alter personalities are distinct parts with their own names and habits,or if they are ego states of yourself,frozen in time.
    Suppose I would have a dissociative disorder.My name is Robert,but I may have a female 15 year old alter called Wilma and a 28 year old male alter caller Bert who wears a biker jack and who knows everything about Harley Davidson bikes.
    But if my alter personalities would not have distinct names,then maybe they were all representations of myself,Robert,in time.
    In that case it would not be very wise for a therapist to keep on asking for their individual names,because that would only intensify and amplify the process of dissociation.

    I am looking forward to your reply!
    Warm greetings,
    Robert ‘t Hoen,
    Hoogeveen,
    The Netherlands.

    • Phoenix 08/27/2012 at 2:43 pm #

      All my alters have their own names and habits but I am aware of all of them. For more on them look at the top of my blog for – About Me > My Different Parts.

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