Poison Words

27 Jan

 Just like Snow White’s poison apple two statements have hit me with a poisonous effect, sending me over the edge.  The first being that I need to come to terms with my life and the second being that if my mother had to live her life over again she would change a lot of things.  Yes, both of these statements came from my mother’s lips.

Since I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia late last year I have been dealing with one medication after another to try to get the pain under control. Every day I wake up to pain, getting out of bed takes begging my body to move, pushing through pain and sometimes tears – tears of pain, tears of frustration, tears for no good reason but that you can’t seem to stop. Then I have to struggle with  getting dressed , the touch of clothes hurts, I tire quickly, I’m not able to do half of what I use to be about to do, and I go to bed every night in pain only to struggle to get the much needed sleep my body needs to help it heal. The more I don’t get that sleep the more my body becomes a bundle of live nerves. You can just brush a finger against some parts of my body and it feels like I’m being electrocuted, stabbed with a knife or burned with a flaming hot poker. Sometimes I feel all of these things at once. So far the medication has made me almost comatose, caused my heart to beat like it is coming out of my chest, made me nauseous, made me forget even basic things like my name and how to talk, food has no taste, its increased my paranoia, made my want to pull out my hair – literally, made my skin crawl, and made me suicidal. After weeks of going through this the last thing I want to hear from anyone is these poison filled words “you need to come to terms with this is your life now.” I know it’s my F&*^ing life, but maybe I’m not ready  to accept it just yet. May be I want to rant and rave, maybe I want to mourn my old life. Maybe I just want to be in denial a little bit longer. I have read all the books, done all the research. I know this is a chronic thing that it very hard to treat. Don’t tell me to come to terms with it; I’ll do it when I’m ready.

As for the second poisonous comment that come out of my mother’s mouth: she already know I was having a bad day – pain, therapy appointment, which is always hard after, and the fact that I told her I was having a bad day and to leave me alone should have clued her in. But she started on one of her rants about my sister and how she was raising her son all wrong and she wasn’t feeding him healthy things. Again I told I didn’t want to hear it because I was having a bad day, which of course leads to her guilt. And she started going on about how she knows she had been a bad mother, but if she had to do it over again she would change a lot of things. For some reason today, her saying that pushed a button in me that it doesn’t normally. The next thing I know I’m yelling at her to never say that to me again. That I just don’t want to hear it anymore, and I sure as hell don’t believe it. It was like she had lit a match to a powder keg that was just waiting to go off.  She yelling at me “how would I know!” and I’m yelling back “I know and don’t you dare ever say that in front of me again.” At which point she storms out of the house.

And now I’m sitting here trying to figure out what it was that set me off about this statement – here it is:

  1. My mother had a chance to change things when she got her memories back and admitted to her abuse when I was 7. She could have cut off contact with her father/parents then.
  2. My mother had another chance to change things when I admitted to being abused by the same person that abused her when I was 18. She could have cut off contact with her father/parents then.
  3. My mother had a chance to change things anytime in the years since by taking my side and supporting my feelings on having contact with my grandfather/grandparents. She could have cut off contact with her father/parents at anytime during that time period.

As of today this still has not happened she still has not cut the cord that binds her – even though my grandfather is dead – my grandparents still control every decision/move she makes. So really how can she say she would have done things different, when she’s still doing them just the same.

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2 Responses to “Poison Words”

  1. Brighid 01/28/2012 at 3:19 pm #

    Wow, I totally identify with “poison words”. I think we have the same mom! I recently blew up at mine for a poison comment. I hope you’re feeling better today.

    As for the comment about coming to terms with “this is your life now”? I can easily see that you have already come to terms with that. You HAVE accepted and now you are doing the hard work. Good Job. And You have the right to be angry as h***, and hurt, and mourn, and cry – whatever. It’s all part of the hard work in my opinion.

    A part of me would like to go on a rant about your mother, just from the little bit I’ve read. I’ll refrain.

    • Phoenix 01/28/2012 at 9:24 pm #

      Today she has been doing the whole depressed, pouting thing, to make me feel guilty because I had the nerve to actually yell at her, expressing my angry, instead of keeping it inside and just saying the comments in my head. My therapist has wanted me to start expressing myself but I hate having to deal with her pout that comes afterwards. I’m tired of being mad and holding it in and I’m tired of feeling guilty when I express my feelings. Needless to say today was another crappy day.

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