Right now I am fighting the need to live in my fantasy word. Every one of my others wants me to go there. Rose knows what work burnout is, having experienced it when she was dealing with the corporate world of business. She thinks “A” has life burnout and that “A” needs a break. Kit wants’ “A” to be safe and my world mean safety to her. Sonja wants to protect “A” and she can do that best when “A” is there. Becca just wants to take over and have so fun, be rebellious and do something outrageous. Edith wants to take over so that Becca can’t and “A” can have a break from making decisions and being responsible. Genevieve just wants “A” to go so that she can get back to her work and not be bothered be all the noise.
The true is that “A” – (I) really want to go; I want to go and not come back. I want the peace, I want the quiet, and I want no responsibilities and no consequences. The problem with that is that I’m not sure that I will be able to come back. And I’m not sure I want any of my others taking over.
Yesterday, I flipped out when someone called me by my name “A”. All I wanted to do was tell them don’t call me that. That’s not me. That’s not my name. I want to make “A” disappear. I want to make her into someone else. I want “A” to be someone else with a new name, a new face, a new everything. I want that person to not have been abused, not to have felt my pain.
What I know to be true is that I can’t unhappen the abuse, I can’t make it disappear. So I need to deal with the fact that it is a part of me “A”. I can’t erase that no matter how hard I try. So right now I am fighting the fight to stay away from my world.